Tell Me…

What Do You Need?

In the past few years, the birth and mothering world has started to see a shift. A growing awareness that the “All That Matters Is A Healthy Baby” model of care that placed all attention on the baby and considered the transition a mother had gone through as one that is simply “hormonal”, is flawed, if not negligent.

With postpartum/postnatal depression rates soaring globally, the cracks in the care system have been showing for a while. And with that, there has been a rebirth in much-needed postnatal care doula services, largely led by mothers who looked back on their experiences as new mothers and thought “no, we’ve got to fix this for other mothers and the next generation.”

One of the most notable moves amongst mothers has been the desire to incorporate some, if not all, of the elements of postpartum practices that were once considered non-negotiable in cultures the world over… China, Morocco, the Middle East, India and more. While the length of “lying in” that mothers in each culture varied slightly, the principles remain consistent: warm, deeply nourishing food to replenish the new mother as she heals and nourishes another (the belief being that this care would safeguard not just the child’s health but the mother’s future health); rituals to honour her transition into this new role; and the baby kept close to her at all times with the mother required to do nothing but rest and establishing breastfeeding.

The key ingredient?

A community of women around her lovingly dedicated to this space of birth and rebirth.

While some mothers are indeed doing this with the help of doula services and family who have the time, there are many who are trying to go it alone. Mothers who - desperate to preserve their energy and soak up every precious minute of motherhood before maternity leave ends - are saying no to visitors who they fear simply want to see the baby.

Some have attempted to come up with a compromise, writing “to do” lists for would-be guests, saying they’re welcome but could they please do something to help out while they’re around. While it is indeed a sad state of social affairs that new mothers now feel they need to put up “please help” lists. The reality is that many mothers don’t know how to ask for help or feel like they’re failing if they are. A result of conditioning to believe that we’re supposed to be doing it all. We also need to remember though that most people, while willing, aren’t sure how to help.

So how do we change the language of new motherhood to one that everyone can speak?

I believe by bringing in this simple question…

What do you need?

A mother’s default response to “Are you ok”; “Would you like a cup of tea?”;“Can I wash the dishes?” is more often than not going to be “Oh I’m fine.” “No I’ll make it, I need to get up.” or “NO, you don’t need to do that!”

The simple question of “What do you need?” opens the door for a dehydrated, exhausted, teary or overwhelmed mother to say…

A glass of water
A nap
A snack
A hug
A shower
A break
A sleep with my baby
Someone to entertain my older kids for an hour
A meal that I haven’t cooked

The challenge is getting mothers to understand that the first thought that comes to mind needs to be the first response that comes out of their lips. Because that is the honest one.

This simple question also serves to clear away any confusion in guests who may come to the space with their own ideas of what a new mother or baby needs. It requires them to check themselves and hold back on any “well this worked for me”, “how about you do…” “You know you should try” “Here, give me the baby, you need a break” comments that can flow so easily.

This question puts power back into a new mother’s hands and that can be pivotal to the process of a woman incrementally developing trust in her ability to make decisions for herself and her baby. She becomes the mother who confidently makes choices that work for her family. She becomes the mother who is tuned into her children’s cues and needs (physical and emotional). She becomes the fully charged mother. And children who have experienced this respond to the world with the same energy and sensitivity.

And that is a live saver.

Try these…

9 little questions to turn around a new mother’s day

Hey, I’d love to come and see you and the baby when you’re up for a visit. When you’re ready, tell me what do you need?
Hey, I’d love to cook you a meal. What would you really enjoy right now? I won’t accept no.
You’re doing the most incredible job, but let’s not forget you. Tell me what you need?
I remember these early days so well. What do you need?
I have time on my hands right now. What do you need?
Hey, just calling/messaging to see if you’re up for a visitor to come and make you cuppa?
If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? (Then pop round with said food item)
Are there any balls you feel like you’re dropping? I’ll see which ones I can pick up for you.
I love you. What do you need?

Plus tip # 10

If she insists that she does not need anything, remind her that you know she can do it all, but she doesn’t have to.